Through Thom Tinted Lenses

November 23, 2009

BOYFRIEND APPLICATION

Filed under: culture,entertainment,humor — Thom Reese @ 1:38 am
Tags: , , ,

I have a fourteen year-old daughter. (Yes, it’s true. Most of my hair has left me.) Despite my attempts to shelter her from the harsh realities of life (such as shopping malls, make-up, and multiple piercings), she’s discovered (horror of horrors) boys! Now, I recognize that this is a common phenomenon. Young girls have been noticing their male counterparts for at least a decade now. In fact, it’s rumored that Queen Elizabeth once noticed a boy when she was barely twenty years of age and had not yet perfected that little twisty wave of hers. Still, this is a more recent development for this particular young lady. And as her father, I am frightened to glassy-eyed, near-comatose, hysteria by the prospect. (An alternate explanation for this condition could be too many Laverne and Shirley reruns.)

Now, regardless of how natural this process may seem, all fathers are confronted with certain fears as their daughters wade into the dating pool. There are, shall we say, DANGERS!!!! Having once been teenage boys ourselves, we fathers know that these awkward, pimply-faced adolescent males have, how shall I put it? A biological imperative. They may be “nice boys.” They may be polite. They may even call me “Mister” and laugh at my quasi-lame jokes, but when opportunity arises, they will leap at the opportunity to… Well, you know. As such, I now understand the crazed stare of the seemingly-ancient parent as I knocked on my date’s door and asked for her by name. I can sympathize with the throbbing vein in the forehead, the clenched fists, and, yes, even the barely-concealed shotgun. (I don’t own a gun, but do have a longsword at the ready.)

 And yes, this was all before such social treasures such as “the third date rule,” “friends with benefits,” and “hook-ups” littered the dating landscape.

 After much consideration, San Andreas-like trembling, and a family-sized bag of Doritos, I considered three options: relocate my daughter to the North Pole (though, I’ve heard crazy rumors about those elves), force my daughter to wear an adhesive ZZ Top beard to school each day (but these days that might be considered attractive), or strenuously screen all potential suitors. As such, I’ve prepared the following Boyfriend Application:

APPLICATION

Name ________________ (If your name is Snake, Killer, or Stud-Muffin, you may stop here.)

 Parent’s names ___________________ (If your parent’s name is Snake, Killer, or Stud-Muffin, you may stop here.)

Parent’s net worth _________________________ (If below $500,000, you may stop here.)

Parent’s willingness to contribute to my daughter’s college fund _____________________

Potential boyfriend’s grade point average ________________________ (If below 3.989, you may stop here.)

Potential boyfriend’s anticipated annual earnings for anticipated future career $______________ (If below $100,000, you may stop here.)

Deposit you are willing to put in my hands until my daughter’s safe return $________________ ($500 minimum.)

Do you have an arrest record? (If so, you may stop here.)

Do you adhere to the “third date rule?” (If so, beware of man brandishing longsword.)

Do you believe in “friends with benefits?” (Again, longsword alert.)

 “Hook-ups?” (Longsword.)

List six references (two teachers, two clergy, two fathers of previous dates) ______________________ ______________________ ______________________ ______________________ ______________________ ______________________

List all previous girlfriends and why the relationship ended. (If you have no previous girlfriends, why? What’s wrong with you that no one will have you – loser! If you have had previous girlfriends, why would you go out with anyone else when my daughter, the most wonderful girl ever to walk the hallways of your school, was available? Have you no brain – loser!)

Do you know what a eunuch is?

Would you like to become one? (If no, you may stop here.)

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11 Comments »

  1. Nice, this made me laugh again and again. Welcome to the world of blogging! 🙂

    Comment by Robert W. Leonard — November 23, 2009 @ 5:56 am | Reply

  2. I think your deposit needs to be higher, and I would ask about the arrest sooner! Alternatively, take my brother’s approach: convince your daughter that unless said boyfriend sparkles, and feeds only on the blood of animals, he is unworthy of her. Trust me, this will not be difficult to do.

    Best of Luck (with the blog)!

    Comment by Susan Quinn — November 23, 2009 @ 6:35 am | Reply

  3. pretty good thom, although i think the kids modify the three date rule to the 20 minute rule…

    Comment by gaylon kent — November 23, 2009 @ 6:53 am | Reply

    • Oh “boy” Thom.

      I was actually hoping you could keep the rest of your hair.

      Comment by Johnny — November 23, 2009 @ 9:34 am | Reply

  4. Yeah, you hit it on the head!

    Comment by Cynthia Echterling — November 23, 2009 @ 2:31 pm | Reply

  5. Thom:

    On behalf of fathers everwhere – THANK YOU. I raised my daughter and went through exactly what you are talking about. I earned my gray hair. This is a very well written, fantastic article. It should be shared beyond this website.

    You did an awesome job!

    Ken Chapman

    Comment by Ken Chapman — November 23, 2009 @ 8:53 pm | Reply

  6. You are also missing questions about:

    Mental illness, genetic diseases, ability to defend her against (wild animals, attackers, alien invasion, zombies, and any other threat), does he do yard work (my father required manual labor)

    Also, keeping a shot gun, animal head, hatchet, or other frightening object in plain sight sends a pwoerful subliminal message. 🙂

    Comment by Shennandoah Diaz — November 29, 2009 @ 5:37 am | Reply

  7. I think I’ll print out this form to use for my daughter… I agree on every point!

    Great blog, Thom!
    Ellen C Maze, author- Rabbit: Chasing Beth Rider

    Comment by ellen c maze — November 29, 2009 @ 8:27 pm | Reply

  8. Thom! This is refreshing. Well done.

    Comment by Dayo — November 29, 2009 @ 8:30 pm | Reply

  9. Hey Thom….very witty. It seemed to come trippingly off your tongue. Nice way with words.
    Wishing you, Kathy and the family a healthy and joyous Holiday!! Diane

    Comment by Diane Ellis — December 3, 2009 @ 3:38 am | Reply

  10. Thom,
    Hah! Why is it all the fathers worry ONLY about daughters? I am posting a blog that will be in response to yours. I really liked the way you dealt with this topic and for me, was very thought-provoking. Well said; well written.

    Lydia Nolan-Ruiz, Editor/Web Creator
    International Books Cafe
    http://www.InternationalBooksCafe.com

    Comment by SoCalEditor — December 6, 2009 @ 12:11 pm | Reply


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