Through Thom Tinted Lenses

November 29, 2009

SO YOU WANNA JOB by Thom Reese

Filed under: culture,employment,entertainment,humor — Thom Reese @ 7:07 pm

Unless you’ve recently completed a stint at the local ostrich-syndrom-head-in-the-sand-shake-your-tail-feathers-and-run-for-the-nearest-denial-of-the-obvious clinic, you might have noticed that the economy reeks of month-old liver. For those out of work, my heart goes out to you. It can get tough. I’ve been there.

 In my career as a human being, I’ve from time-to-time had the opportunity to interview and hire various breeds of wide-eyed job seekers. I’ve also witnessed curious trends in the job-seeking community. (“Hey, can you sign this paper saying I applied here?” “I suppose so. Would you like an application?” “Nah, but a buck for the bus would be cool.”) So for you eager-to-work-happy-to-join-the-ranks-of-the-gainfully-employed types who spend your hours pounding down the doors of would-be employers, I’d like to offer a few mildly-helpful, rarely-harmful, and even less-often fatal thoughts, insights, and speculations to aid you in your quest.

 Let’s begin with first impressions.

 Though a necktie and suit jacket may not be required interview apparel in our current more-casual-than-your-average-flea-infested-canine culture, there are still some basic guidelines when approaching people from whom you hope to acquire vast sums of cash. Those jeans. You know the ones. Your favorites. Yep, the ones with the big hole in the crotch, the blood stains from your latest “touch” football game, and “Slipknot Rocks” scrawled in marker on the right thigh. Leave them at home. Seriously. Leave them. Also, for those of you under the age of thirty: PLEASE, do not wear your pants down below your butt cheeks. Not cool, no matter what your also-unemployed buddies tell you. For those of you above the age of fifty:  PLEASE, do not wear your pants up over your navel. Really. What’s with that?

When filling out an application, remember that playing World of Warcraft sixteen hours per day does not constitute previous employment.

 Do not list McDonald’s “Hamburger University” under colleges attended.

 If you smacked your previous boss in the jaw because he was a slime-of-the-earth-idiot-clod-dummy-stupid who insulted your mother’s integrity, your father’s parentage, and you sister’s somewhat suspect gender claims, you might want to reword this as, “Left previous position for better opportunity.”

 Do not apply for positions such as nuclear physicist, brain surgeon, rocket scientist, or rodeo clown if you didn’t complete the eighth grade standardized placement test because those little gray dots on the page were “speaking to you.”

 When stating your expected income do not write, “Will work for beer.” (Other no-no’s include, “Will work for sex, drugs, or rock ‘n roll.” The possible exception being if you’re applying as a roadie for Motley Crue.)

 Should you make it to the interview stage, remember, deodorant is our friend.

 When asked about your previous experience, don’t tell a potential employer that you have “mad skills.”

 If your potential employer has a family photograph on his/her desk, you may want to refrain from stating that your future boss’s sixteen year-old daughter is “a hottie.”

Hope this has been helpful for all of you brave, job hunting fanatics out there. Best get some sleep, because soon you too might begin each day with the muttered declaration, “I hate my job.”

 Copyright 2009 Thom Reese

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9 Comments »

  1. Another great read Thom! I especially like the part about noticing a potential employer’s family photo on the desk! It reminds me of a classic Family Guy moment when Peter Griffin’s being interviewed for a job. He’s asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” in Peter’s mind we hear “Don’t say doin’ your wife…don’t say doin’ your wife…don’t say doin’ your wife!” He looks down and sees a picture of the employer’s family at the beach and says “Doin’ your…son?”

    Comment by Phil — November 29, 2009 @ 7:22 pm | Reply

  2. Bravo Thom!
    All pertinent topics and shared with wit and prose enough to knock off any sharp edges. I guess I didn’t realize what a nut you truly are — and a SMART nut at that. Join the club. I’ve been a smart-nut for some time and I need company.

    In all seriousness, I am going to save this and share it with anyone who is unemployed or simply needs a chuckle. Good info, and a fun read.

    Thank you again, Thom!
    Ellen C Maze, author of Rabbit: Chasing Beth Rider

    Comment by ellen c maze — November 29, 2009 @ 8:23 pm | Reply

  3. LOL loved it! my fav part “flea-infested-canine culture” also loved the part about joining the rest of us who wake up everyday saying” I hate my job”

    Comment by Kelli — November 29, 2009 @ 10:25 pm | Reply

  4. That’s hilarious, Thom! I needed that laugh this morning. Nicely done. 🙂

    Comment by Angel Leigh McCoy — November 29, 2009 @ 11:21 pm | Reply

  5. Haha wow Tom good stuff. I liked the part with the old people wearing their pants too high…and the things that people put on applications like hamburger university…it’s so true haha

    Comment by Tony — November 30, 2009 @ 1:13 am | Reply

  6. EXCELLENT READ THOM!!!!

    Comment by Joanie — November 30, 2009 @ 9:20 am | Reply

  7. Good thing I wasn’t drinking coffee when I started reading! Would have sprayed my laptop! You poked my funny bone with a sharp object! Well done!

    Comment by Janet Fogg — November 30, 2009 @ 6:18 pm | Reply

  8. Great suggestions and great blog!

    Comment by Robin Cain — November 30, 2009 @ 6:41 pm | Reply

  9. Thom –

    This is excellent, Excellent, EXCELLENT!!! This is exceptionally good advice put forth in a straight forward, very funny manner. This is very good advice for those of us trying to survive in the uncertainty of today.

    By the way, I’m trying to lose weight so hopefully my pants won’t be above my navel. 🙂

    Great job Thom.

    Comment by Ken Chapman — December 1, 2009 @ 9:11 pm | Reply


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