One of my biggest peeves is people who have too many peeves. So, I thought I’d offer mine up for pet adoption with hopes that someone might take them off my hands. So, here we go, free to a good home, my pet peeves:
Idiots who have their pants hanging halfway down to their calves: I’ve had no success in training this peeve, and believe there may have been some sort of brain damage early in life.
Ridiculous public displays of affection: This one’s not quite house-trained and might need some additional instruction on appropriate behavior, but otherwise it’s quite affectionate. Warning: it does have the propensity to be rather sloppy gross at times.
Texting in the movie theater (and behind the wheel, at work, or any number of inappropriate places): I think this one might be a Pavlovian experiment gone awry. It seems every time a cell phone chimes, this peeve drools uncontrollably.
Racism: This one’s rabid and should be put down.
Public cigar smoking: In good conscious, I must be up front about this pet. It smells like a burning, sweaty, fungus-laden gym sock. Even short exposure will cause the odor to stick to your hair, your clothes, everything in your house, and linger for hours. Be cautious with this pet.
Telephone customer service reps with English as a second language: Hello! Hello! I can’t understand a word you’re saying. What? Sway the bull? Oh! Pay in full. Yes, yes, I’ll sway the bull.
The I-must-get-hit-by-an-incompetent-driver-every-three-years rule: I think there must be a target on my car. Will someone please take this peeve off my hands!
The sock gremlin: Need I elaborate?
People with bad breath that insist on standing two inches from my face: Yes, this pet is very similar to a dog – but not quite as cute. Any takers?
Illegal immigrants: This one’s a stray. It slipped under the fence emaciated and mistreated. We fed it, tended to its needs. Now, it’s trying to change everything here to be just like the place it fled. I’ve put up signs looking for the original owner, but so far no takers.
Automated answering systems that make me run a fifteen minute gauntlet before I can get to a live customer service representative to ask a simple question: This pet requires patience. The ideal owner should have no life of his/her own, no job to get to, and no responsibilities. Must enjoy repeatedly pushing the “one” button on a phone.
Drunk drivers: Like racism, this one’s not a good pet and should probably be put down.
One checker at the grocer. A line of seventeen people. I’m number eighteen standing there with a gallon of milk: This pet has taught me how to “stay.” Sometimes I’m even rewarded with a treat if I behave.
People that just won’t shut up: If you take this peeve off my hands, I’ll throw in the muzzle.
Congress: Any takers? Please! Anyone? This pet means well. Honest. It’s really not as self-serving as it might seem. Okay, yes. It will end up costing you a lot of money, but… Yes, it does create a big mess whenever let out of its cage, but… Well, no, I guess it really can’t be trusted, but… Okay, okay. I guess I’ll have to live with this one.
Ah, I wish I could say that was all of them, but it’s not. Maybe I’ll offer some others up for adoption at a later date. Now, really, Congress. Any takers? Pleaaase!!!
ANNOUNCEMENT: I’ll soon be launching a second blog titled “THE SPECULATIVE SPECTATOR: An Eye on Sci-fi, Fantasy, Horror, & Everything Fantastic.” It will have an entirely different feel and purpose than “Through Thom Tinted Glasses.” With the advent of this new project, I will be cutting back on the frequency of these current postings. I appreciate you, my readers, very much and encourage your comments and thoughts as I move forward. Your suggestions are always welcome. Without you, there really wouldn’t be any point in all of this. See you soon.
Thom Reese is a Las Vegas based writer whose weekly radio show, 21st Century Audio Theatre, previously aired on the 50,000 watt KDWN. Fourteen of Thom’s audio dramas will be released throughout 2010 by Speaking Volumes Quality Audio Books. Thom studied comedy writing at The Second City and works in market research for CBS Broadcasting.
Copyright 2010 Thom Reese All Rights Reserved.
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