Through Thom Tinted Lenses

May 16, 2010

MIDNIGHT CONTEMPLATIONS by Thom Reese


Ever have trouble sleeping?  I do. Sometimes my mind just won’t shut off. I just keep thinking random thoughts. My brain skitters from one place to another; dusting off old cobwebs, rummaging about corners, uncovering what there is to be uncovered. As such, I thought I’d share with you some of my midnight contemplations. Warning: these are the thoughts of a sleep-deprived mind and as such I accept no responsibility for the consequences of said thoughts.

Here we go:

If Abraham Lincoln was alive today, if he could see the marvels of technology, if he could visit NASA, hold an iphone, talk with our first African American president, if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he’d be really, really old.

Do animals get boogers? And if so, how do they pick their noses? If not, why don’t they get them? How did we get to be the lucky ones?

If James Bond is a secret agent, why does he tell everyone his real name?

In England they call an elevator a lift. But what do they call it when it goes down – a drop?

Is it too soon for us all to become color blind and simply give a fellow human being a firm, warm-hearted hug?

What if I named my dog Antidisestablishmentarianism just to see if the guy at the pet shop could squeeze it onto a dog tag?

Is it considered poor etiquette to try to sell something to a telemarketer?

If two trains, one departing from New York and one from Las Angeles, left at the same time, both traveling at 56.276 miles per hour, and if an alien invader from the planet Just-because had destroyed the track in Toledo, and if the wind was currently a subtle 5.2 miles per hour from the south east, would there be in-cabin movies?

…And would the Toledo Dominos still honor their 30 minute delivery policy?

…And would the Republicans and Democrats finally figure out that neither side is inherently evil – or pure?

The odds of being killed by falling space debris are one in five billion. As there are over six billion people on earth, who’s the unfortunate schmuck with a target on his head?

Would the world end if all soldiers laid down their guns and walked away?

Over six thousand people are airborne over the US at any given time. Aren’t you glad they’re not pigeons?

Rice paper doesn’t have any rice in it. Is that false advertising?

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly games than for the US Treasury. Maybe the mustachioed Mr. Monopoly should run for office.

Is it true that it’s physically impossible to lick one’s own elbow?

In 2008 the United Nations Human Rights Council spent $23 million dollars – much of it from foreign aid funds – on a ceiling mural.

In 2008 the world economy took a dump causing tens of thousands to become unemployed.

In 2010, everyone is jawing about Tiger Woods and Avatar.

In 2010, 24,000 children die each day due to poverty.

If Abraham Lincoln was alive today, would he cry?

Thom Reese is a Las Vegas based writer whose weekly radio show, 21st Century Audio Theatre, previously aired on the 50,000 watt KDWN. Fourteen of Thom’s audio dramas will be released by Speaking Volumes Quality Audio Books throughout 2010. Thom studied comedy writing at The Second City and works in market research for CBS Broadcasting.

Copyright 2010 Thom Reese All Rights Reserved.

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Check out Thom’s other blog, THE SPECULATIVE SPECTATOR, at http://speculativespectator.wordpress.com

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8 Comments »

  1. If two trains, one departing from New York and one from Las Angeles, left at the same time, both traveling at 56.276 miles per hour, and if an alien invader from the planet Just-because had destroyed the track in Toledo, and if the wind was currently a subtle 5.2 miles per hour from the south east, would there be in-cabin movies?

    Yes: Monsters vs. Aliens or 2012 🙂

    I hate it when those pesky ideas keep me up!

    Comment by Susan Quinn — May 16, 2010 @ 6:03 am | Reply

  2. Would the world end if all soldiers laid down their guns and walked away?

    No, but all world leaders would have simultaneous heart attacks.

    Comment by A. F. Stewart — May 16, 2010 @ 7:09 am | Reply

  3. Is it considered poor etiquette to try to sell something to a telemarketer?

    I love this one! =) I’ll have to try it.

    Comment by Joey Jordan — May 16, 2010 @ 8:12 am | Reply

  4. Apropos of your question on whether someone should try to sell something to a telemarketer, I was reminded of something a friend of mine used to do years ago. This was in the early 80’s when a lot of hippies got off drugs and used religion as their new drug, so the streets were full of “Jesus freaks” who would run up to everyone and say “Have you heard about Jesus?” Well, if my friend Glenn would see one of these guys coming far enough ahead, he’d confuse the hell out of them by running up them FIRST and asking the same question.

    Comment by Denise — May 16, 2010 @ 9:11 am | Reply

  5. The strange thoughts that come with insomnia…. 🙂

    Comment by Lisa Lane — May 16, 2010 @ 1:24 pm | Reply

  6. As usual, you make me wonder why I haven’t had these same thoughts!!! They all seem logical – maybe I am suffering from insomnia! Love your writing – you are terrific! Thank you!

    Comment by Marilyn Rasco — May 18, 2010 @ 5:52 pm | Reply

  7. Actually, you *can* lick your own elbow — but only the inside of it, and only if your neck and shoulder are flexible enough. I’ve done it. So there.

    –Leslie Fish <

    Comment by Leslie Fish — May 24, 2010 @ 12:40 am | Reply

  8. i do the same thing I like the train bit lol

    Comment by Kelli — May 25, 2010 @ 9:48 pm | Reply


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