Through Thom Tinted Lenses

July 3, 2010

MODERN LOVE by Thom Reese


Relationships are tricky little devils. As soon as it appears that all there is to know is known about a person, the rules change. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the “What in the smack-me-across-the-face-and-spin-my-head-till-I’m-purple was that?!”. I suppose it’s because all relationships involve humans, and we’re a species that has enough trouble keeping up with our own inner thoughts, goals, and motivations, much less understanding those of another, no matter how close or beloved.

I heard recently of an engaged couple going their separate ways. Now, this is nothing new. Plenty of people get cold feet, leap at another opportunity, or freak out upon learning that a proposed spouse is the last in a long line of cannibalistic matrimonial practitioners. But apparently this particular young stud had bought for his fiancé certain silicone-based enhancements.

Now he wants them back.

Okay, I’ve heard of guys asking for the ring back. It might even be appropriate to request a Lexus be returned, or ownership in BP stock. But this?

I can imagine the conversation:

“Aw come on, honey, you’re the one who broke up with me. I really should get those back. You know those were my mother’s. In fact, those implants have been in my family for six generations.”

I read of another man arrested for inserting 19 mice through his ex-wife’s letter box. This he did because the woman suffered from an unreasonable fear of rodents. I’m thinking he wasn’t intending this as a means of rekindling the flame.

Now, we all do get frustrated, angry, and outright furious at our loved ones. Fact is, love is an extreme emotion, and as such prompts us toward other extreme emotions (such as murderous rage and/or suicidal fantasies). That said, here’s Thom’s list of relationship no-nos. If you’re hoping to stay sufficiently hooked up, you may want to avoid these, regardless of any compelling temptation to do otherwise.

Here we go:

When you promise your spouse a romantic getaway to Tahiti, you might want to inform him/her if it’s a one way ticket and you’re not attending.

Never say, “Really, you’re going to wear that?!”

If you send flowers, avoid black roses.

If you woo her by saying, “I’m sure there must be something I love about you,” duck.

As well, don’t say, “Remember back when you were pretty?”

Never but never wake a loved one by screaming “You’re on fire!” and then splashing ice water across his/her face. Strangely, most people do not find this amusing.

Avoid the phrase, “Satan called. He wants his evil back.”

Never refer to your spouse as “My first wife.”

Best relationship advice:

You’re both imperfect. Deal with it.

Thom Reese is a Las Vegas based writer whose weekly radio show, 21st Century Audio Theatre, previously aired on the 50,000 watt KDWN. Fourteen of Thom’s audio dramas will be released by Speaking Volumes Quality Audio Books throughout 2010. Thom studied comedy writing at The Second City and works in market research for CBS Broadcasting.

Copyright 2010 Thom Reese All Rights Reserved.

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Check out Thom’s other blog, THE SPECULATIVE SPECTATOR, at http://speculativespectator.wordpress.com

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8 Comments »

  1. It doesn’t hurt to make your wife a nice cup of tea or coffee if you wake up before she does.

    Comment by Tom Kepler — July 3, 2010 @ 8:00 am | Reply

  2. It is interesting how relationships can bring out the very best–as well as the very worst–in just about anyone. Add a couple of exceptionally dysfunctional people to the mix, and suddenly you get headlines. Fun post, Thom.

    Comment by Lisa Lane — July 3, 2010 @ 10:15 am | Reply

  3. Funny stuff! Just work together..give & take!
    Nice post, Thom.

    Comment by Mark Lapa — July 3, 2010 @ 12:46 pm | Reply

  4. Great Post, Thom! Relationships take work for both parties – some people don’t realize that!!

    Comment by Marilyn Rasco — July 4, 2010 @ 6:09 pm | Reply

  5. Avoid the phrase, “Satan called. He wants his evil back.”

    Now you have me rolling! Great Thom. What a wacky world…

    Comment by Ellen C Maze — July 4, 2010 @ 6:27 pm | Reply

  6. The problem right there is the damned implants. Fake boobs=fake relationship. Real people don’t do such things.

    My mom likes to tell a story about my dad. She had premature gray hair, and when they were dating my dad gave her what he thought was a compliment: “I’ll bet your hair was a pretty brown once.” They’ve been married over 50 years.

    Comment by Denise — July 5, 2010 @ 3:28 pm | Reply

  7. Actually, a guy would impress me if he gave me black roses, but that’s because it would mean that he knows I’m a horror writer.

    Comment by Denise — July 5, 2010 @ 3:29 pm | Reply

  8. also avoid telling her in a surprised voice “hey, you have a unibrow!” …trust me.

    Comment by Crystal — February 21, 2011 @ 11:46 pm | Reply


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