As some of you may or may not know, I used to do some stand-up comedy. It’s been a few years, but every once in a while a get the bug. (Some might call it the flu.) Well, I don’t have the bug right now. Or, at least, I didn’t. But, then it was suggested that I throw together a routine for an upcoming event. Ah, the thoughts began racing through my head like a tortoise with the parking break on. Which bits did I remember? Were any of these still relevant? Could I be ready in time? Well, I worked the whole thing up, practiced, revised, etcetera, etcetera. And then got bumped due to time restraints. Sigh. Life takes such weird little twists. Anyway, as I had my material worked up, I thought I’d share the routine with you, my dear readers.
NOTE: I did cull certain segments of this material from some of my previous blogs, so there may be some familiar bits and pieces. Familiarity aside, I hope you have some fun with it.
So, without further delay, here’s my not-yet-performed stand-up-and-make-them-all-run-away routine:
So, we’re away from home, sleeping in new and different places. It always takes a little time to get used to the sounds of a new locale. You know, the way a house creeks and groans with the wind. The way it settles at night. There was this sound last night, I dunno. Creepy. It kept me up. Kinda sounded something like, “Help. Let me out of here. Please! For the love of all that’s holy – help!!” Personally, I think our host needs to call an exterminator.
Now, most of you probably don’t know much about me. I come from a dual heritage. Both paranoid and schizophrenic. But don’t worry about me. I’m okay. All of my personalities get along just fine together. In fact, I’m pretty sure two of them our dating.
I had an uncle who always had crazy schemes. He decided to open his own business. Yep! As a professional dinosaur hunter. His motto: “The only good dinosaur is a dead dinosaur!” I told him, I said “Um, Uncle Lester, you do know, dinosaurs are extinct – they’re all dead.” He says, “What? Already? I is good, ain’t I?”
Now, I think all parents are wacky people. Myself included. Something about having a child just flips a switch in the brain. “Go directly to insane. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.” Remember the first time you realized your parents had lied to you? You know, outright bold faced lie. Like the whole Santa Claus thing. That was a lie, right? Santa Claus? You know, when your parents told you that he’d only give toys to kids who play in traffic!
The only time I ever saw my mother drunk was the day she decided to tell me the facts of life. Yeah, that was helpful: “Shtay away frommm easy girrlzz. Yew don’ know wha’ they’ll give yew.” I’m eight years-old. I don’t know anything. Why is it I’m supposed to stay away from the girls that want to give me something? It seems those must be the nice ones!
Now, my parents were big on proper language. I was raised not to use cuss words. “There’s 500 thousand words in the English language. I’m sure you can get by without using six of them.” Fair enough. But, I still needed a way to express myself when I was ticked off. So, I decided that if couldn’t cuss, I’d find some suitable substitutes. So I use song titles. You know, like “What the Do-wah-ditty-ditty-dum-ditty do do ya think your doin’?” Or, “Get the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B away from me!” Or, Hey you. Your full of “The Best of My Love!”
But if dealing with parents is nuts, romantic relationships can be outright certifiable. I heard recently of an engaged couple going their separate ways. No big deal. Happens all the time. But, apparently, this guy had bought for his fiancé certain silicon-based enhancements.
Now he wants them back.
Okay, I’ve heard of guys asking for the ring back. But…
Can you imagine the conversation?
“Aw come on, honey, you’re the one who broke up with me. I really should get those back. You know those were my mother’s breasts. In fact, those implants have been in my family for six generations.”
Now, like anyone else, I have my failings. It’s only through Kathy’s sheer endurance and will power that we’re still together. But, I do have a few nuggets of wisdom for those of you who don’t want to spend too many nights on the couch. So here’s Thom’s list of matrimonial no-nos:
When you promise your spouse a romantic getaway, you might want to inform her if it’s a one way ticket and you’re not attending.
Never say, “Really, you’re going to wear that?!”
As well, don’t say, “Remember back when you were pretty?”
Avoid the phrase, “Satan called. He wants his evil back.”
Never refer to your spouse as “My first wife.”
Of course if you’re having trouble with your relationship, you can always find good advice at the book store. Tons of books on relationships. There’s “Romance for Dummies,” “Dating for Dummies,” “Killing Your Spouse with an Ax for Dummies.” Oh, and here’s a good one: “Sex for Dummies.” Yes, this is a real book. “Sex for Dummies.”
Who buys this book? How secure does a guy have to be in his masculinity to walk up to that little check-out girl and buy “Sex for Dummies?”
And they’ve got a sequel!
“Pregnancy for Dummies.” Which I see as a cleverly devised marketing ploy geared at insuring that there’ll be future generations of dummies to by these books. I hear they’re running a special. Buy two Dummies books, get the third full price.
Now, it’s difficult enough dealing with my own relationship. But, as a parent, I need to worry about my teenaged daughter’s romantic life. Yes, she’s discovered boys. Now, I recognize that this is a common phenomenon. Young girls have been noticing their male counterparts for at least a decade now. Still, this is a more recent development for this particular young lady. And as her father, I am frightened to glassy-eyed, near-comatose, hysteria by the prospect.
There are, shall we say, DANGERS!!!! Boys have a WMR. You’ve heard of WMDs – Weapons of mass destruction. Well, this is a WMR – Weapon of Mass Reproduction.
Okay, enough of that. I’m not sure if I’ll ever use any of that material in a stand-up setting, but it was fun getting into that mental mode again. Thank you all for coming along for the ride!
ANNOUNCEMENT: I am very excited to announce that my series of audio dramas are now available for download by SPEAKING VOLUMES QUALITY AUDIO BOOKS at the fantastic price of only $3.00 each. Check them out at www.speakingvolumes.us. Enter my name, Thom Reese, in the search box. As of this writing, two have been released. There should be one added per week for the near future.
Thom Reese is a Las Vegas based writer whose weekly radio show, 21st Century Audio Theatre, previously aired on the 50,000 watt KDWN. Fourteen of Thom’s audio dramas are being released by Speaking Volumes Quality Audio Books. Thom studied comedy writing at The Second City and works in market research for CBS Broadcasting.
Copyright 2010 Thom Reese All Rights Reserved.
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