Through Thom Tinted Lenses

September 22, 2011

EXCERPTS FROM THOM’S UNDER-A-BRIDGE DICTIONARY

Alcohol abuse: Self induced flu symptoms. Because for some people there’s just never enough vomit.

Alternate reality:  a phenomenon experienced by any male forced by the female of the species to visit a shopping mall. Also see purgatory.

Ambiguous: something which is more or less, kind of , in a way, sort of, rather not quite entirely clear in any comprehensible fashion… sort of. See also politician

Autobiography: It’s all about MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Cardiac arrest: a common condition often experienced upon learning the nature of an offspring’s  unsupervised activities. See also Gun Laws

Civilized: A culture which settles disputes by slaying opponents with sophisticated weaponry such as missiles and bombs as opposed to more barbaric tools like spears and swords.

College: A costly institution where hundreds of adolescents who have previously lived under the direct guidance of their parents are brought together with minimal supervision and expected to conduct themselves as mature individuals. See also Alcohol poisoning.

Depression: a mental state which often follows unrealistic expectations and/or the realization that, “Wow, this really sucks.”

Domesticated:  a creature which, contrary to its natural instincts, has been tamed and/or trained in order to exist in a civilized environment. See also husband

Fiction: That special place where truth may be expressed freely, in most cases without fear of reprisal.

Fiscal responsibility: a mythological state in which those charged with the distribution of funds have a workable plan and maybe even a clue.

Foreign Aid: Stealing money from hardworking Americans and depositing it in the coffers of unscrupulous foreign leaders.

Funeral: An event in which one’s enemies proclaim a person’s attributes as one’s family squabbles over his/her possessions.

Good old days: A time period idealized despite its many flaws, injustices, and insufficiencies. See also selective memory and/or delusion

Justice: Just as much as the cost of a good lawyer.

Man: A person inherently incapable of fathoming the desires, motivations, or actions of women.

Opponent: Someone put in one’s life as a growth opportunity. See also, spouse

Tampon: an embarrassing purchase made by a male in an effort to prove undying love for a spouse. Often accompanied by a cashier’s sentiment, “Oh, man, I’m sorry.”

Tobacco: A substance unique in that it is a legal product which, according to the CDC, is responsible for over 1 in 5 deaths in the U.S. each year. See also Soulless Washington lobbyists.

NEW RELEASE!!!

DEAD MAN’S FIRE, the first novel in my Marc Huntington series HAS BEEN RELEASED in both print and eBook formats. Check it out!

http://www.amazon.com/Dead-Mans-Fire-Thom-Reese/dp/1612320244/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1315921547&sr=8-1

Here’s the back cover blurb:

The Amazon Rainforest.

A paleontological expedition, every scientist murdered or missing.

A vast cavern peopled with comatose bodies from all over the world.

A human skull, fossilized, with ancient writing carved on its interior.

A young scientist, missing, and at the heart of it all.

Recovery specialists Marc and Dana Huntington make their living recovering missing persons, stolen items, and rare treasures.  Now they are thrust into chaos and intrigue as they search for a missing paleontologist, the son of Marc’s former Delta Force commander. Arriving at the expedition site deep within the Amazon Rainforest they find the jungle ablaze and dozens of bodies littering the area. Soon they learn that a fossilized skull is at the heart of the deadly mystery. Multiple factions seek the skull. Local superstition surrounds the relic, Deadly attacks, explosions, cave ins, a chamber filled with peculiar, unnaturally preserved bodies: every discovery leads to another mystery and the Huntingtons must locate the missing scientist and uncover the secret of the Amazon skull or dozens more will die.

CONTACT ME AT thomreeseauthor@yahoo.com for autographed copies or to get on my emailing list to receive notifications on new releases, special pricing, appearances, etc.

CHECK OUT MY SUPERNATURAL THRILLER, THE DEMON BAQASH, AT: http://www.amazon.com/Demon-Baqash-Thom-Reese/dp/1612320090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1309526541&sr=8-1

Thom Reese is the author of DEAD MAN’S FIRE, THE DEMON BAQASH and 13 BODIES: SEVEN TALES OF MURDER AND MADNESS. Upcoming releases include the novels, CHASING KELVIN, and THE EMPTY. Thom was the sole writer and co-producer of the weekly audio drama radio program, 21ST CENTURY AUDIO THEATER. Fourteen of these dramas have since been published in four collections. A native of the Chicago area, Thom currently makes his home in Las Vegas.

READ THE 1ST CHAPTER OF THE DEMON BAQASH: http://demonbaqash.wordpress.com/

SEE ALL OF MY BOOKS AND AUDIO DRAMAS: http://speakingvolumes.us/authors_ebooks.asp?pid=40

Copyright 2011 Thom Reese All Rights Reserved.

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February 28, 2010

WEIGHT FOR ME by Thom Reese

You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but I used to weigh only seven pounds six ounces.

Guess I’ve put on a few pounds.

I wasn’t sure that I wanted to tackle weight. People tend to get touchy about the topic, and I usually address more social and cultural issues in this space. But, considering that reportedly sixty-seven percent of the population is currently, shall we say, gravitationally augmented, I figured there was some meat here.

I started out as a pencil-thin athletic guy. Then I progressed into a rather paunchy athletic guy. Then came paunchy and not entirely athletic. Then, more paunch accompanied by comments such as, “Well, I used to swim 5,000 yards per day.” Or, “Wow, can we get extra cheese on that triple extra large mondo deep dish pizza?” Eventually I hit Jabba the Hut stage with a vague recollection of athleticism long ago in a galaxy far, far away. Now, I field repeated calls from the Richter scale folks asking me to tone it down every time I hop out of bed.

I’ve known all along that I can lose weight – I’ve done it before. And since I’ve done it before, I know just what it takes. But I decided that this time around I didn’t want to spend five months locked in a six-by-six room, on a diet of water and water, watching an endless fifteen-minute Richard Simmons loop. Okay, maybe my previous regime wasn’t quite that extreme, but it felt that way.

So, how does one lose weight in a society dedicated to excessive consumption?

Liposuction? Protein shakes? Tummy tucks? Tummy staples? (Ouch!) Diet pills? Juice-only diets? Meat-only diets? Snickers-only diets? Amputation of ten ugly pounds just above the shoulders? The choices seem endless.

After several agonizing seconds of contemplation I settled on a program that involves diet and exercise. Pretty brown paper bag, but effective – I hope.

The exercise came easy. I’m a former competitive swimmer. I used to run triathlons. I coached swimming for a number of years. I knew what had to be done. It was just a matter of getting back into the groove.

But, diet.

Yikes! That’s the toughie. I suffer from Black Hole syndrome. Anything tasty that falls within my gravitational force gets sucked in like light into a collapsing star.

My plan hasn’t so much been to “be” on a diet, but simply to “change” my diet. Eat intelligently. No more intravenous pizza, no more deep-fried chocolate-covered Twinkies at midnight, no more – gasp! – Pepsi. That’s the biggie. Cut me and my blood pops and fizzles with carbonation. So, now I pay attention to my diet, say no to any food I might remotely desire. I even peruse the nutritional information on packaging. Did you know that a Snickers bar actually has the nerve to boast a “nutritional information” tag on its wrapper?

I looked at a frozen pot pie at the grocer. One of those gourmet brands. Just a little pot pie – 110% of the daily saturated fat allowance. 110%! Why don’t they just call the thing Pot-O-Death and be done with it? They should probably serve it with defibrillators. You know, “Hang on a sec before I take another bite. CLEAR!” VOOOMP! “Ah, much better. Now, can you pass me a couple sticks of butter ala-mode?”

I figured throwing vitamins into the mix would be a good idea, so I bought a vitamin pack at a convenience store. Theoretically, it’s supposed to contain all of the nutrients one needs for an entire day. I read the label: Vitamins A, B, B12, C, E, Magnesium, Iron, Beta-carotene – non-lethal.

Non-lethal?

Was there any expectation to the contrary? Vitamin C doesn’t say non-lethal. B12 has no skull & cross-bones in parentheses. But, beta-carotene specifically notes non-lethal. What’s the implication? That this is the one safe pill in the pack? Take one of the others and it’s bye-bye Tommy. And how do I know which one is beta-carotene? The pills aren’t labeled. It’s Russian vitamin pack roulette. “Hey, this might make you really healthy, or you might just die. Have a nice day.”

I think I’ll stick with One-a-Day.

With all of the exercise and decreased caloric intake, I figured vegetables should play a larger role in my day-to-day life. As in, I should actually eat them. I’ve never been opposed to veggies, but have probably held on to a bit of my pre-adolescent distaste for the things. It really isn’t so much the taste as the names. Case in point, what self-respecting kid is going to eat something called squash? Or rutabaga? Or eggplant? There’s never any trouble getting kids to eat candy. Why? Because these have fun names. Snickers, Skittles, Gummy Bears. I think the candy people should rename the vegetables.

“Here, son, eat your Tweedles.”

“Tweedles! Oh, boy!”

Little does he know that last week they were called Brussels sprouts.

So, I’ve taken all of the steps. I work out four days a week. I’ve radically changed my diet. I’m pretending that I no longer enjoy Pepsi. Any change? Yep. Six weeks in and I’ve lost twenty-one pounds. Feels good. Especially the exercise. Now, will someone please get that left-over pizza out of the fridge before I have a San Andreas-caliber relapse?

Thom Reese is a Las Vegas based writer whose weekly radio show, 21st Century Audio Theatre, previously aired on the 50,000 watt KDWN. Fourteen of Thom’s audio dramas will be released by Speaking Volumes Quality Audio Books throughout 2010. Thom studied comedy writing at The Second City and works in market research for CBS Broadcasting.

Copyright 2010 Thom Reese All Rights Reserved.

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